Wednesday, February 15, 2012

5 Things your head should tell your heart

Having to deal with the choices I have made in this life has been one of the hardest things I have overcome.  Being able to look at myself in the mirror and know that I tried to make the right decision, and I was the one hurt the most by all of them.  Most importantly to know those feelings so not make those mistakes again.  What I have learned from my choices seem like priceless pieces of life and knowledge and I wanted to share them, maybe they could help you. 

1. You can't help who you love.  You could fall for many people in this life, not all of them are going to be worth it. 

Do your best to get to know a person before letting them know how you feel about them.  They might reveal part of themselves much later and you might not like them as much as you thought.  If you have already told them you love them it is too hard to explain why you don't anymore.  Most of all you CANNOT make them love you.

2. You can't help who falls in love with you.  We have all been there, a good friend or some weirdo, in class or at work, has fallen in love with you.  Admit right now that sometimes you are that weirdo.  You don’t hear any bells ringing or sparks flying but that person is ready to devote the rest of their life to being with you.  Please refer them to rule #1.

3. Do not lie to yourself.  Look at yourself in the mirror or write down your thoughts on paper.  If your friends are; 1) wondering why you are in a relationship, 2) how you could put up with it, 3) want to know why you took him back, 4) are tired of hearing you complain.  You get the point.  If you have been lying to yourself, it is time to tell the truth.  While the two men I referred to before lied to me constantly over the course of our relationships, it was the lies I told myself that did the most damage.  He does love me.  It will be better.  It’s not like that when it’s just the two of us.  He will change; a)when we get married, b) when we have a baby.  I continued relationships based on the lies I told myself instead of ending the relationship with the liers.

4. The day you meet that person you are going to spend the rest of your life with, that is when your time together starts. 

Your time together starts at “YES” not at “I DO”.  Yes I will go on a date, yes, here is my number.  When that person leaves and you jump up and down YES! YES! YES!  This is when your time together starts.  I promise that if you are both honest to yourselves and to each other you will not  need a piece of paper or a ring to make that person stay with you.

I fell hard for the nursery rhyme “first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage.”

Oh he said he loved me, we are going to get married and have babies…WRONG, WRONG WRONG. 

5.  Breaking up is hard to do.  Breaking up a typical relationship only happens two ways.  You want out of the relationship, or worse, they want out of the relationship. 

Honestly, if the other person wants out, let them go.  It is going to hurt so bad; but you have to quit being with them.  You will need boyfriend rehab, you will go through withdrawals, and you will want to get back with him.  I recommend, going back to college, read books, tv/movies, puzzles, chocolate, girls nights, volunteer, delete their number even the one you have memorized. Stay busy, if you are not doing ALL of the things on this list, you are just dragging out the pain.  The sooner you feel productive and that your life has worth without a man the better you will feel. (a bit extreme but breakups suck) 

If you are the one who wants to break up, do not toy with them.  Tell them how you feel.  You don’t have to be mean but be honest.  Be aware that they are going to hurt and confused. 

If you are in a more complicated relationship because of physical or mental abuse I suggest that you seek private councilor or assistance from an agency more capable to handle such extreme circumstances.

Happily Ever After

I never imagined that I could be this happy.  I really don't want to say that I changed in the last ten years, but I believe there is a clear difference from the person I was in my 20s to who I am now.  Back then I thought that if you loved someone you were supposed to get married and have a happy family and that love would see it though.  Then I thought that love meant staying together married and miserable. Just hoping for a chance of mercy and grace that would change the person I loved into someone I could love. 

Lord help me, I tried to stay by my decisions.  Prove that I was right.  Prove that I could make my life what I wanted and expected for life, not letting life happen to me. I got married because I wanted to be married.  I tried to stay married because I wanted to be able to say I made the right choice.  I left my marriage for love, and I wanted that to be the right choice.  Hell I tried to stay with that man because I could not admit that this relationship was a failure and that I made the wrong choice.  Getting married, falling for a man while I was married, and leaving the marriage, were all choices I made.  I made these choices only to realize all too late that I was wrong and that neither man should have ever held the keys to my heart. 

Last night was a Friday night, we were supposed to work on Saturday morning but really not that much was different than a normal evening at home.  As I sat on the couch, wrapped in the arms of my husband, the dog was at my feet and my daughter asleep on the floor because she wanted to watch one more show, I realized that I have everything I wanted, it just didn't come the way I thought.  I have a strong loving marriage to a true partner who supports me and helps me in every endeavor.  We hate being apart, we talk constantly throughout the day and if we can't we both burst when we get home and desperately try to remember everything we wanted to say.  I have a boy and a girl, both brilliant and strong, only in ways that test and annoy me, and it is such a special love.  I can't believe how happy I am.